Mental health

When it comes to my mental health it’s so easy for me to talk about it now as the storm is over. I’m very like that, I’ll retract and almost hide from the world and become really quiet while I feel the worst. I’ll stop expressing myself and I’ll become very insecure. It makes sense to start the blog again now as things feel better and fresher and I feel healthier. It makes me excited to write again and create. I think a lot of people react that way. Not having felt much drive or excitement for almost a full year I’m so happy to be reunited with that part of myself!! It’s one of my favourite parts of me and when it’s gone it feels like your bestie is on vacation and you’re not sure when she’s coming back. 

I think that’s one of the reasons why I’ve had so many weird encounters the past year is because I felt very lost and I didn’t feel like I stayed true to myself. Hence I’d find myself in situations I’d never normally be in and didn’t trust my better judgement. It’s like you’re a wide eyed child looking for comfort in anyone you can find and the people giving it to you can often be the wrong ones when you’re vulnerable. One of the weirdest things was that I lost my sense of humour. People falling always got to me, but I could see people falling and I just wouldn’t find it funny at all! Now I find it hilarious again, thank god!

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that when you feel desperate and sad and things couldn’t get worse and you think you’ll die, you don’t. Life goes on and at some point you receive a spark of energy and if you have some sense and want to get better you take advantage of that spark and start the process of picking yourself back up, taking care of yourself and cleaning up your act. The sparks might be rare, but the more you value them the more they will come and you’ll eventually feel inspired to kick your bad habits and start feeling normal and driven again. If anyone else has felt this way they’ll know exactly what I mean.

The great thing is that when you create a bit of a mess for yourself and you find your way through you always end up sitting with a whole new world view because you got into situations you never normally would and you develop a deeper, broader view of life and the world and a stronger backbone. You also receive the gift of seeing situations clearly afterwards and have the great realisation of “what the fuck did I get myself in to?” and how to avoid it in the future. I’ve also seen clearly what grounds me and what pushes me over the edge. That’s the gift you get when you’re no longer horribly depressed and feel like the world is ending, but when you’re unstable. Which is a great transition period until you’re finally stable and stronger than ever. I never thought I’d appreciate feeling unstable, but rather that than feeling like an empty shell every day.

During my depression I felt very alone with everything and only recently a friend told me about a website called 7 Cups. It’s a free website and you can have a free ‘listener’ you can talk to or write to for a while which feels amazing when you need to vent. Seriously, it’s been a life saver! I really wish I knew about it when I felt my worst. You can also pay for a licensed therapist to chat to there, but having a free option is amazing!

I love reading this book about Beauty. It’s all about poetry and the meaning of beauty in our lives. I figured I’d throw in another delicious excerpt from that book here:

The way we look at things has a huge influence on what we see. If a house has been closed up for a long time, a film of dust settles on the windows. Decayed residue gradually manages to seal out the light. When we go into such a place, we smell the dankness of sour and fetid air. The same thing can happen in the rooms of the mind. If one has become stuck in a certain narrow or predictable way of seeing, the outside light cannot bring colour into one’s life. Eventually the windows of the mind become blinded by an imperceptible film of dead thought and old feeling so the air within becomes stale, life lessens and the outside world loses its invitation and challenge. When no fresh light can come into the mind, the colour and beauty fades from life. There is an uncanny symmetry between the inner and the outer world. Each person is the sole inhabitant of their own inner world; no-one else can get in there to configure how things are seen. Each of us is responsible for how we see, and how we see determines what we see. Seeing is not merely a physical act: the heart of vision is shaped by the state of the soul. When the soul is alive to beauty, we begin to see life in a fresh and vital way. The old habits of seeing are broken. The coating of dead dust falls from the windows. Freed from their dead forms the elements of one’s life reveal new urgency and possibility.
— John O'Donohue, Divine Beauty: The invisible Embrace

Happy Winter solstice! I’m so excited for brighter days. I’d like to be taken right back to this summers day <3